Here’s an ethical issue and Jewish source response:
Case
Joey and Dave have been good friends for years. As they grow up, they find that they disagree fundamentally on many important issues such as the importance of preserving old-growth forests at the expense of jobs, beliefs in life-after-death, and simple things like saving versus spending money.
How do two people remain good friends if they fundamentally disagree on many important issues? To answer this question, we must investigate the underlying concepts of friendship in Judaism.
Answer
[a] The Mishnah (Pirkei Avot 5:160 tells us that any friendship based upon only one factor cannot possibly endure. If that one factor disappears, nothing is left. A friendship based on multiple factors, though, will endure forever. As an example, in the Mishnah we get a description of the ultimate friendship – that of Jonathan and David. These two individuals undoubtedly had many vehement disagreements. After all, it was Jonathan’s father, King Saul, who viewed David as his archenemy and even tried to kill him. Through it all, David and Jonathan’s friendship endured. They must have had fundamental disagreements regarding their feelings about Saul, yet they stuck it out being friends.
[b] On the other hand, if two people have different fundamental value systems and out looks, it is very difficult to remain friends. This is true when the differences affect lifestyle, important choices and different day-to-day living patterns. Beit Shammai and Beith Hillel disagreed on many aspects of Jewish law in the pages of the Talmud, but this did not prevent their sons and daughters from marrying each other (Yevamot 14b) because their fundamental life choices, value systems and world-views were essentially the same. Like marriage, part of friendship is disagreeing in a respectful manner and coming to some sort of compromise whenever possible. However, if two spouses disagree about everything in their lives, the marriage will not survive.
[c] The Talmud states (Pesachim 113b) that every friendship involves hate.
[d] The Hebrew word for friend, haver, is also the word used for a learning partner. (Today, the Aramaic form of this word is used to describe the Jewish learning process – hevruta). This implies that all friendships are, in part, a learning experience. Two people learn from each other by exchanging ideas and disagreeing, making sure it is done in a respectful manner. This type of friendship is crucial in any person’s development and is encouraged in Judaism. Rabina says that he learned more from his friends than he did from his teachers (Makkot 10a). Rabbi Eliezer says that the most important aspect of life to ”cling to” is friendship (Avot 3:9). When Honi (the Jewish Rip van Winkle) awoke after 70 years of sleep to find that all his friends had died, he wished to die rather than go on living (Taanit 23a).
[e] Returning to our question, if Joey and Dave have some basic values in common, then their friendship can endure and even thrive, since disagreements are healthy in a good relationship. However, if they disagree on every issue without any mutuality, then they cannot remain true friends. Always maintaining the dignity of the other person in a disagreement helps insure that we will spend life with the good havrutot – friends and learning partners.
Joel Grishaver, “You Be the Judge 2”, pgs. 102-104
Used with permission from Joel Grishaver
