Here’s an ethical issue and Jewish source response:
Case
Bernie Schwartz has always been careful to honor his father and grant his requests, both as a good Jew and as a good son. But recently, Bernie’s father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and began requesting absurd things from his son. One day he asked Bernie to stand on his head for twenty minutes. The next day he asked him to paint the den, even though it had been painted less than six months earlier.
Should Bernie listen to his father and fulfill these strange requests? Why or why not?
Answer
As Jews we want to honor the Torah’s commandments at all times. Yet, there are outside and unexpected influences that make us reevaluate exactly how to perform mitzvot. Consider the following about our case.
[a] Even for perfectly healthy parents, the Midrash (Tanhuma, Eikev 2) says that the mitzvah to honor one’s parents is called the “most difficult commandment in the Torah” to fulfill, and is a mitzvah that is even more important than honoring God (Jerusalem Talmud, Peah 3b). Technically, the mitzvah regarding parents involves kavod (honor), i.e. , keeping a parent’s dignity by feeding, clothing and helping him or her exit and enter; and yirah (awe), which involves the acts of not sitting or standing in a parent’s place, not contradicting, and not siding publicly against a parent who is in an argument (Kiddushin 31b). However, most authorities agree that a child is obligated to honor any reasonable request by a parent (Midrash Yalkut Shimoni, Mishle 23 and Shuchan Aruch, Yorah Deah 240:8).
[b] When does a request by a parent become unreasonable? The Talmud (Kiddushin 31a) cites the case of Rabbi Assi. His mother was senile, and first she requested that her son bring her jewels, which he did. Then she requested that he find her a husband, which he tried to do. But when his mother insisted that Rabbi Assi find her a husband as young and handsome as he was (a very unreasonable request), Rabbi Assi left the house and moved to Israel. Thus, we see that even this rabbi did not comply with such an unreasonable request. Maimonides (Hilchot Mamrim 6:10) codifies this idea, and later authorities (Shiurim Mitzuyanim Ba-Halacha 143:4, 10) support the view that irrational requests by parents may be ignored. Therefore, Bernie Schwartz is not obligated to carry out the absurd requests of his father (although he may do so if he wishes).
[c] It should be noted that if a parent asks a child to violate any Torah law, it is forbidden for the child to comply with the request (Maimonides, Hilchot Mamrim 6:12).
Just as important, however, is the manner in which a child does or does not listen to a parent. A child must always maintain a parent’s dignity and respect at all times (whether complying or not), even if the parent is no longer competent or fully functioning mentally (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 242:8,13). The reason is explained in the Talmud (Berachot 8b): A person who is senile is compared to a Holy Ark that is now empty (of a Torah). Even though the ark no longer contains holiness, it still must be accorded respect because it once did contain holiness. So, too, a person who no longer has a fully functioning mind must be accorded respect for what he or she possessed in the past. Similarly, the Talmud continues, it is for this reason that the shattered first set of tablets of the Ten Commandments was placed in the original Holy Ark along with the second set of tablets. This demonstrates that something which once had value, but no longer has intrinsic value, must still be accorded respect according to its previous holiness or value.
Joel Grishaver, “You Be the Judge 2”, pgs. 37-39
Used with permission from Joel Grishaver
