Here’s another ethical issue and Jewish source response:
Case
David has ADHD. It was much worse when he was younger. Then he could never sit still and never do anything for very long. Everyone used to say, “Dave has ants in his pants” and stuff like that. Now that he is fifteen, he has learned to control himself better. He has also gotten good at knowing when he needs to take his Ritalin and when he can get away with skipping it. Once, when he was eight or nine, a counselor at day camp said to him sarcastically, “David, think ‘Sludge’ and just ooze somewhere slowly – just for once.” From that day on his nickname at camp was “Sludge.” He never liked the name. He was hurt by the name, but he got used to it. All of a sudden, this week, Karen (a girl he really likes) remembered the name and started calling him “Sludge” again. Now a bunch of his old friends have picked it up. None of them even remembers the story of how it started. For them it is an act of love – a pet name. For David it still hurts.
You are David’s best friend. He shares his feelings with you. What should you do?
Answer
[a] In the Torah it says: “You shall not curse the deaf, and you shall not place a stumbling block before the blind; you shall fear the Lord you God – I am the Eternal.”
Ramban, Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman, a Sefardic commentator, taught: “When you put a stumbling block before a blind person he can trip and fall and be hurt. When you curse a deaf person how can she be hurt by words she cannot hear? The answer is easy: Even though she cannot hear the curse, she can still be lessened in the eyes of the others and therefore angered or embarrassed by them.” If one may not insult a person who cannot hear, it is certainly wrong to hurt someone who is aware of what is being done to him.
According to the rabbis, saying anything that lessens the way other people think of a person is forbidden. An insulting nickname is clearly a violation of this mitzvah.
[b] There is a Bible story you probably did not learn in Hebrew school. In Genesis 9:22 we learn that after the flood Noah gets drunk. His son Ham walks into his tent and then goes outside and tells his brothers about it. The Chofetz Chaim, a Polish teacher who specialized in studying the use of words, taught: “Ham committed two sins. First, he failed to cover up his father and stop him from embarrassing himself. More importantly, because he went outside and told others about Noah’s condition, Ham was cursed by God because he failed to protect his father’s dignity.”
[c] The Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, Chapter 63, teaches: “If a person has an unpleasant nickname, even if s/he has become used to it and is no longer embarrassed when it is used, another person should not call him/her by this nickname (if the intention is to embarrass him/her). To do so would be ‘wronging with words.’”
This helps – but not completely. The friend should clearly stop using the nickname but has to decide if there is a way of stopping others from using it without further embarrassing David. Causing more embarrassment (by explaining the name) might well be worse.
Joel Grishaver, “You Be the Judge”, pgs. 58-60
Used with permission from Joel Grishaver
